#176: Stop, in the Name of the Animal Kingdom!

Then one summer: had a job as a security guard at the zoo. Of course all my friends were all like, Party at the zoo! Drinking with ducks or whatever, in the aviary, or like we’d just stand there laughing about high school and throwing empties into the penguin tank. Like there wasn’t at least one other guy on duty at all times. I took it pretty serious because I had to, because there was no room for goofing around, although sure, when you got down to it, it was a pretty silly job. We had these rules like No cologne or perfume and No snacks outside designated break areas because the animals will go haywire if they smell a hot dog and No loud ring tones on your personal phones. We had special flashlights like with a cone to aim the light and even then you had to be careful not to splash it all over some cage of bats or whatever. Sometimes I’d think, Who’s going to break in here and steal these things anyway? Like back in a truck for a rhino? But then I’d think, Well, if they did, it wouldn’t be to sell them, or it might, but it might also just be to mess with them. Kill them, you know. Sometimes I took it real serious, I mean, and I’d think about what I’d do if I saw some kids sneaking in around three in the morning. Then I’d get goofy again, though, because I’d imagine myself charging up there on the back of a giraffe, surrounded by screaming peacocks, swinging my special flashlight, all Stop, in the name of the animal kingdom!